Time and Misery
by MsHologramRibs
Summary: A fic about grief, specifically, Severus's grief when Lily dies. A fic about his grief through time.


**Disclaimer: The Harry Potter world and all Harry Potter characters belong to J. K. Rowling and strictly to J. K. Rowling.**

 **Written for The Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition, round 4, for the Chudley Cannons.**

 _ **C1 - Grief [forbidden: grief]**_

 **Prompts used:**

 **(7) Tranquil (word)**

 **(12) Dawn (word)**

 **(13) Icicle (word)**

 **Time and Misery**  
"Too late." Severus Snape imagined that this was what the Dark Lord would have said if he had still been alive. Too late. If Severus had known that this is what the Dark Lord had planned then maybe he would have been able to save them, to save her. Her. Lily Evans...Potter. They shouldn't be dead, she shouldn't be dead…how in the world the child survived, Severus did not know. He couldn't process what was happening, or what had happened. Everything was as if the world was spinning the wrong way. Nothing felt real.

Severus entered the house in Godric's Hollow. It was in ruins, as if a war was going on, and wasn't that just fitting? He looked upon the body of James Potter, his long time enemy, and felt…nothing. Nothing but the oncoming horror of what he would find upstairs. He walked past Potter and slowly ascended the stairs. He walked down the hall, to the room where the door was left ajar. He pushed the door open wider and fell to the ground.

It was as if he had died. It was as if someone stabbed him repeatedly in the chest with an icicle, leaving no evidence, just the open wound. A wound that throbbed and ached, as if begging and anticipating the end. The end of his life, the end of it all. It felt like the end. Like nothing could go on after this. Severus stared at the lifeless body of Lily Potter and felt…oblivion. There was nothing, just an empty void where a smiling red head used to be. And then it hit him. It hit him like a car, like a bullet, like the Cruciatus Curse. Pain. Agony. It flitted through his body and left nothing untouched. He was lost in it, drowning in it.

Severus was trembling. He slowly reached for her, for Lily. Nothing. There was no life, no love, no hate, nothing. He clung to her as if she were the center of it all. As if somehow, though the world was ending, she could save him. She could still save him. And then it washed over him in waves. Sorrow. Misery. It was dragging him out to sea and he couldn't swim, he didn't want to even if he could. He wanted to feel it all. Because otherwise how could he live on? Severus cried and screamed for what felt like eternity. He cried for every lost moment with her. He screamed for his contribution to her death. After all, if it weren't for him, wouldn't she still be alive? If he hadn't told the Dark Lord what he had heard, she would still be alive. It was his entire fault. And that hurt more than anything. The pain was beyond anything he had ever felt.

Leaving her there was worse. He didn't want to. Merlin, he didn't want to. But people were bound to show up and he had to go see Dumbledore. He had to. No matter how much his heart was in a hurricane, spiraling out of control, there was still the child.

. . .

"Have you grown to care for the boy?" Dumbledore asked. A million thoughts went through Severus's head but only one dominated. He cast his Patronus, a white doe, and watched as Dumbledore looked back at him, surprised. "After all this time?" Only one word came to mind.

"Always," Snape replied and there it was again, agony pulling him out to sea. He suppressed it. He fought against the waves. There were still things to be done. Still things to be done.

. . .

As Severus cast his Patronus and led Harry Potter into the woods, he couldn't help but think that maybe all of this was for nothing. If the child was to die then what was the whole point of his life? What had he fought for? Anguish flooded him. Lily wouldn't want this for her child. Lily wouldn't have wanted any of this. Severus was drifting out to sea again, back to the misery, back to the pain. He was always in constant pain. There's not a day that went by that he didn't think of her, of Lily.

Severus watched Harry go into the water and it was as if he too were suddenly in freezing water. A jumble of memories came flooding into his head. He was taken back to when he was a child. He was taken back to when he was a student at Hogwarts, to when he called Lily a Mudblood. He remembered it all and he didn't want to, not now. It wasn't time yet.

He cleared his head. He tried to reassure himself that Dumbledore was right, and that he had to trust him. This wasn't for nothing. His life wasn't for nothing. It was for Lily.

. . .

The school seemed tranquil under the light of dawn, Severus watched as the sun rose and then fell. The school was quiet. He watched as the students made their way back into the castle. He watched and waited. Soon, something was going to happen. He could feel it. It was too quiet. Everything seemed out of place. Soon.

. . .

Nagini struck him but it wasn't pain he felt, but shock. Did he know he was going to die in this war? Maybe, but he guessed there was a part of him that couldn't believe it. He believed the pain would always be there, even after death. That's what scared him the most. That the pain would still be there.

He watched as the Dark Lord left. He was free. He could go now. He could die. He could see the end now. He told Harry to take his memories to the pensieve. Yes, he could go now. After years of misery and torment, he could go. He tried to make right what he had made wrong and now it was time. It was time for him to go.

. . .

 **A/N: The last fic I wrote, Remembrance, was about grief too, so this was harder to write. Oh well, hope you enjoyed! - MsHologramRibs**


End file.
